Requiem: Self-Service

Did you prepare for this?
How well and how long?
You must have packed
silk pajamas and leather slippers
Your hair neatly trimmed and
smoothed, shiny, clean shaven
nails precisely rounded
(even in these small ways
the wisdom of your plan was
coming to fruition, with little left
to be done but dab a little
make-up on your face and
lift and place you into your box
arms still folded across your chest;
but still you left them to pick out
your suit and carry your pajamas home
in what kind of bag?)
Surely you broke your voluntary
if imperfect abstinence
and picked a wine from the hotel’s
cellars, a vintage you would know
and of which the sommelier would
nod his approval. Did you sip it
as you jotted a few last details
or did you leave it all to us?
What thoughts did you have?
What were you thinking?
Or did you ask the wine’s
forgiveness and drink it far
too fast, chasing away those
pictures that would force their
way in front of you like a screen
in a darkened theater?
Her jet black hair and pale silken
skin, his smiles and squeals of glee
on a swing, her blossoming into
womanhood, carrying the boxes into
her first apartment, his first Little
League hit, and him, the first time
(not that long ago) that he said
daddy.
Two pills, then three then four
finding their way on a velvet red
river with earthen overtones
another glass, five-six-seven-eight
no pictures now, all effort focused
on the task at hand: bottle, glass,
bottle, nine-ten-eleven-twelve
Concentrate! Head up, hand
steady, get this done now, don’t
screw this up, enough, more than
enough has been screwed up already
finish this at this desk, finish!
Make sure it is enough
and this finally, finally thank god
will finally be enough
enough at last
stumble to the bed, lay down now
lay your head gently on the
pillow, smooth the silk of
your pajamas, lay your head
down and lay your arms
gracefully, peacefully on
your chest.
There.
All is done at last.
Lay you gently down now
Little lamb, God made thee
God keep thee, God
take thee
Take thy troubles from thee
and leave them here
with us
We’ll take care of everything
We’ll take care of you
You are safe here now
as you have always been
unbeknownst to you
Little did you know
how much we wanted you here
(little did we know how much
we wanted you here)
Little do you know now
how much you still are here
in the empty spaces that
find thoughts of you
in the hearts you’ve left
with nothing but
yearning for you.
Farewell! Sweet dreams!
May the angels keep you well.

23 October 2006